Have you had problems getting a date for Valentine’s Day? Maybe you’re in a relationship and the stress of having a good holiday is getting to you.
We can argue about the origins, intent and societal implications of Valentine’s Day all we want (I encourage yelling every chance I get) but this isn’t the place for that.
What matters most in times of stress is to be heard. This week, I am your sounding board. Letters have already poured in and I have selected a few that I think most can relate to.
So sit back, dear reader. Pour yourself a glass of courvoisier, don a smoking jacket, put some Otis on and sit in a chair that looks like a large hand. The Feelings Guy is here.
Dear Mr. Feelings,
I can’t seem to get a date. I don’t understand all these uppity women who think they’re too good for me. I’m such a nice guy! I hold open doors, I am chivalrous, and I always pick up the Taco Bell bill. I even remove my dashing headwear indoors! How can I find the Peach to my Mario? Also, please give me your thoughts about the illustrations on the back of this letter; are they feasible?
Yours (no homo),
Covered in Cheetos Dust
Well, Mr. Dust, I can tell that you are, indeed, A Nice Guy. Your quest for a princess may be misguided however – Peach only baked cakes for Mario, and the illustrations you asked me to look at are not confectionary in any way (also, are you really a squid? There’s a lot of tentacles and I hear they’re pretty smart).
All I can tell you is to present the best you possible. Being dishonest in an attempt to woo a lady will only lead to later heartbreak. Let your true colors shine through and you will find a princess in your castle before too long.
My bank is full of dimes, if you know what I mean. HAHAHAHA! They can’t resist all this Southern Marsh, bro!
But I need a tissue for this issue, yo – the thots aren’t into my Netflix game. I don’t get it; The Notebook is supposed to be super romantic but they never wanna bone after watching it. Making out is hard through tears.
Can you help me Feelings Guy? What’s the dopest junk to watch when you wanna get a chick to “watch” your junk?
Swims in Sperry’s
I had to read this through tears – mostly because of the strong scent of Fierce by Abercrombie & Fitch emanating from it. But Swimming in Sperry’s makes a good point – we millennials don’t get busy to soul or R&B so much as we do laugh tracks (I do know one girl who will only do it to “Monster Mash” however).
My advice is to ask her what she wants to watch. Put the remote in her hands (that isn’t a metaphor) and let her set the mood.
Plus, you’ll be treating her like a human with opinions and feelings and not just a flesh sack there for your amusement. She’ll appreciate that, trust me.
What dinner should I make my new boyfriend? I want to surprise him.
Lost in the Kitchen
Lost, it depends on the type of guy he is and the length of the relationship. If “new” means over three months, something he made for you but better presented will be a wonderful gesture.
Under three months, keep it simple with some comfort food – goopy carbonara, jambalaya, maybe a meatloaf (Franzia pairs great with ketchup). If he doesn’t appreciate it, remind him you decided to not poison it “this time.” He’ll change his tune real quick.
So I met this guy at the Spanish Town parade, and we agreed to make our first date Valentine’s Day; isn’t that romantic!? I’m just worried that it’s too much pressure. Do you have any breathing exercises or positive words for me? I really like him!
He’s Already Seen my Boobs
No. It’s a bad idea. Sorry.