By S. Gomez
It’s coming. Do you feel it in the air? Is your body giving you signs that the time is near? No, the McRib is not back. I’m talking about flu season. That stretch of months when the flu bug is the only thing that appears more often than pumpkin spice. With body aches, scorching fever, and headaches, this sickness will sneak up on the most unsuspecting hosts and bring them to their knees faster than a Kardashian in a locker room. Once it’s in, you’d better lie down, drink your fluids, and start a new series on Netflix—it’s going to be a while. Try not to beat yourself up for refusing to get the flu shot. You had some valid reasons, right?
I got my flu shot last year, I’m good.
Yes, because the flu virus this year is the same as the one the year before. In fact, it’s probably the same exact sickness that killed thousands of people back in the early twentieth century. It doesn’t transform or develop new strains. That vaccination you received 365 days ago is sure to protect you from this unchanging beast.
Only kids and old people get the flu.
As someone who lives in a protective adult bubble made of presumptuous stupidity, you are absolutely right. It’s no problem to stay locked up in your adult home and only have contact with other adults, who in turn have only had contact with adults. Limit communication to text messages and meals to microwaved Hot Pockets to avoid venturing out into the world where toddlers and senior citizens run rampant. Human contact is overrated. #HermitLife Who gives a shit about the elderly or our future generations anyway? Let them fend for themselves.
I don’t believe in vaccinations.
Go sit down somewhere you walking bag of pestilence and disease.
The flu isn’t that bad. I’ll power through.
You’ve obviously had the flu before and know that you are above all the wishing-for-death symptoms. Fever so high you feel like a hot dog on a convenience store roaster, aches and pains in muscles you never knew existed, headaches, exhaustion, and a cough that has neighbors asking you to quiet down your new Rottweiler all seem like a walk through the park to you, oh mighty one. Us weaker humans bow down to your greatness. Forget about the 20,000 people who die every year from the flu. That will never happen to you.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Considering that you don’t have time to stop by a drug store pharmacy for a flu shot, I’m not sure you can even fit reading this into your itinerary. I know there aren’t enough hours in the day to worry about your health. You’ve got jobs to work, cars to drive, beers to drink, and episodes of Pretty Little Liars to watch. Don’t worry though, if you contract the flu, you’ll have plenty of time off work or laying in the hospital to get all the items on your “to do list” taken care of.
The vaccine gives you the flu.
Apparently you’ve done tireless research to come to this conclusion. You’re not the kind of person who believes everything they read on the Internet or chatter overheard in line at Starbucks. An intellect as high as yours can easily disregard the recommendations of every practicing doctor in the U.S. along with the Center for Disease Control. Hell, the CDC couldn’t even help us in the zombie outbreak on Walking Dead. What a waste of government time and money.
If you’re vertical and don’t yet have the body temperature of the sun, there’s still time. You know what needs to be done. Don’t be an idiot about your health. Leave the bad decisions to online dating and acts that start with, “Hold my beer and watch this!”