Dig Baton Rouge

Bone-a-fide rides

By Rande Archer

Cars are an important and crucial element of our lives. They get us from point A to point B, and to some of us they are an extension of our personality. No matter who you are or your relationship with your personal vehicle, they can also serve as a refuge for sexual activities. Roommate home and on an all-night Parks and Rec binge and your beau wants to get it on? Take it on the road and get freaky at a secluded spot where no one will find you. However, not all cars are built the same and may not be exactly the most comfortable. With that in mind, we should pay homage to the cars and legends of yesteryear, that offered spacious room in both front and back, plush seats, and ample American vibes to make a bump in the night something remember (and not painful).

With room in mind, it’s best to turn the years back to before both Bush administrations. We will look from 1989 and back for some of the shaggiest of shag, the roomiest of room, and the most pimping of pimps. Starting off in no particular order, we have arranged a list of five selections we believe are classically suited for high-intensity sexual activity due to their spacious and comfortable interiors as well as their sexy exteriors.

Cadillac Sedan De Ville

Years good for taking her around the block: 1965-1984

This selection of land yachts spans several generations of four-door land barges. At its peak boasting a curb weight of 5,400 pounds and a length of a small yacht, this plush interior and luxury lighted mini-limo gave a comfy atmosphere to its cabin. Feeling like you’re in a small limo, the backseat could easily fit four people. However, we only care about two. Allowing for several sex positions to be tried out in the back, this model of one of Cadillac’s best sellers also had the option of a front bench seat. Popular for impromptu fun, in-transit cuddling, and equally impressive position availability, but due to the proximity of the horn, it’s ill advised. Cadillac Sedan De Villes of this vintage can still be had today, for fairly cheap, too, ranging from $2,000 to $5,000 depending on the condition. However, electrical demons and engine troubles sometimes plague this monster of a car.

Dodge Charger

Years that she can test your drive stick to: 1967-73

The classic bad boy car. Even Dodge advertised it as such when it had a major facelift in order to compete with the rise of muscle car culture. Setting itself apart from the competition with its mean looks, enormous interior, and large engine offerings, this American-made classic beast still turns heads today. Offered mostly with bucket front seats, the rear of this road eater is the main draw for getting freaky on a Friday. Due to its longer wheelbase, the rear has legroom equivalent to a full-size sedan of its generation. The lack of a front bench, however, makes certain positions that require a brace rather difficult, but as the genius Doctor Ian Malcolm once said, “Life finds a way” and so will you in the backseat of this muscle tester. Sadly, Dodge Chargers are a bit harder to find today due to its rise in popularity through popular culture. Non-running projects can be found for $3,000 to $5,000 depending on shape but would need much work. A mildly restored running Charger will fetch you $9,000 to $15,000 easy.

Ford LTD Crown Victoria / Chevrolet Caprice

Years you should test your dipstick with: 1979-89

A staple of Police service and a tossup for this position on our list, these two public servants have earned themselves a tie. Both legends in ruggedness and reliability, these were also sold to the public in much nicer trim levels than those offered by police departments. Although not as luxurious as the previously listed Cadillac, these two boxcars boasted ample amounts of space in the back, in addition to coming with the option of bench seats that were standard until the early ‘90s. Adequately comfortable cushioning and upholstery options will get you the needed level of comfort, and allow for more focus on the task at hand, or hands. Both of these cars can be found fairly easily and for great bargains. Beware of “pimped” out rides, as the larger rims bring drive shaft wear to the table. Prices will range from $1,000 to $5,000 for both civilian and police models. For the kinky role-playing minded, police options can be found in the market relatively easily and the Crown Victoria was produced until 2011. However, the classic boxcar had much more rear room than its younger brethren. The Caprice was let go in ’96, and the last police models of those years are rather hard to come by. Although boxy and rather boring on the outside, these cars make for a great budget booty bumper.

Imperial Crown

Years that will put her in drive: 1963-74

Another model that spans several generations of its build, this gliding love boat has good looks and comfy makings. Chrysler’s competition for Ford’s Lincoln and GM’s Cadillac, this behemoth competed adamantly and luxuriously until the nameplate was thrown out in the ‘80s. Hosting a luxury-focused interior much like the previously listed Caddy, the exterior looks set this beauty apart. With lovely styling and great lines, this car has the looks that will make her want to take a ride. Again offered with a front bench seat, this often forgotten classic secures its spot on our list for its good looks and sexually inviting comfort. Due to its lesser known status, finding one today may take some searching, prices will usually be anywhere from $3,000 to $18,000 depending on condition. As with any lesser-known vehicle, the better the condition, the more it will cost.

AMC Ambassador

Years that your significant other will find attractive to have consensual intercourse with you in: 1965-1974

Another often forgotten gem, the Ambassador was AMCs full-size offering during the land yacht years of American car manufacturing. Affordable back in the day, spacious and unique styling set this car apart from its generation and earns it a spot on the list. Offered in several trims ranging from basic standard to fat cat luxury, the Ambassador had it all. And with its size, it didn’t matter if it was luxury or bare bones minimum. It doesn’t matter with this work of art to get your bones rattled. Again, since this is another oft-forgotten or less popular car to keep for restoration or collection, the Ambassador is rather hard to find. Prices will range from $4,000 to $15,000, depending on the shape.

Now this list is just one made by opinion. These cars were selected due to a combination of either their outward appearance, trim offerings for the interior, popularity, or accessibility. Since the American era of land yachts yielded so many, this list cannot contain them all, and it is thus just an opinion. Special mention and nods should, of course, be made to the other full-size sedans and, of course, the wagons. Since appearance was of some concern, the wagons were omitted despite there being some rather lovely wagon models out there. Wagon variants offered a rather large amount of space, with some even allowing you to fit a twin size bed in the rear. Now that’s a shagging wagon!

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