Dig Baton Rouge

East of River

By Katie East

I talk about sex a lot. A good percentage of my jokes that I tell are about sex: I think it’s funny and weird. It’s something we should be able to laugh at and during. And up until recently I found it to be often mediocre and at best, fun. That mind-blowing, self-actualization, wall-shaking sex was just a myth for romantic comedies and very committed tantric weirdoes.

Because I’m so quick to make a dirty joke people often think I’m really wild in the sack. And by hearing that grandmother type phrasing of my last sentence I’m sure you can guess that I’m not. I once described myself as a “freak in the streets and a bore in the bed.” I mean really, everyone has to have their downtime.

In short, I wasn’t having good sex. And honestly, I think most young people aren’t. Your 20’s are for figuring out who you are and what you’re doing. For the few of you who can drown out the incessant self-doubt long enough to truly let go and connect with someone on an emotional and physical level, I applaud you. For the rest of you, your time is yet to come.

Look, I’m not so naive that I think teenagers or college kids won’t have sex; I’m not even saying they shouldn’t. I’m just saying, it usually doesn’t get good until many years, or decades, of practice. Plus, you gotta be in the right headspace.

Still, I think having bad sex is important so you can appreciate when it is amazing and special. So when that one day comes, and you finally meet the right person or people, you can experience that aha moment. “Ah, so that’s why people like this thing so much. I guess I really was doing it wrong.”

Honestly, I don’t think most people are truly prepared for good sex until they’re pushing 30. I don’t even think I was emotionally prepared for sex until I was in my late 20’s and who’s really going to wait for that? Might as well jump in and figure out how to not hate yourself while you do it.

Sex is like alcohol. You’ve been told your whole life that you have to be an adult to enjoy it. It’s this thing that you see on TV and in advertisements, and it seems like the coolest thing ever: You want it cause you can’t have it. And once you finally try it you don’t care if it tasted gross or kinda made you feel terrible, you’re just excited to be in the club. And sometimes you have to try it again and again to make sure if you even liked it at all.

When I was younger, I always questioned college-aged guys who slept with older women. Sure, I knew the stereotypical MILF jokes about them being more experienced, but it genuinely confused me. A girl with an older man I always kinda got. She’s probably just searching for someone who’s more mature and can stimulate her. But an older women with a boy? He must have some sick fetish.

The media is constantly feeding us that young women/girls are hot. So why would a young guy want someone his mom’s age? Well, what the media doesn’t tell us about hot young women is that they’re needy and self-conscious. Most would rather have a compliment about their body than experience pleasure from it.

Sex is weird, and there’s no time to be worrying about your thigh gap or if an embarrassing sound just happened. The whole point of sex should be focusing on the other person. If you’re only worried about yourself and how you look it’s not going to be fun for anyone.

Older women aren’t just more confident; they have their priorities in check. They don’t waste time, and they don’t care what you think of them.

And really, that’s the key to good sex: not caring what the other person thinks of your flaws. If he or she thinks you’re sexy or loves you, they’ll forget about them anyway. Being comfortable with yourself is the quickest way to have good sex. And yes, usually, that comes with age.

So if your sex life isn’t exactly what you want it to be, you might just have to let yourself age a bit. Or, for those impatient folks, a bit of self-reflection can always hurry along the process. And for those senior citizens that are still rocking the bedroom I congratulate you: you’re probably doing it much better than I.

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