Dig Baton Rouge

East of the River

By Katie East

Wherever there is tragedy, you’ll usually find someone looking for opportunity: ambulance chasers, funeral homes and even conspiracy theorists. Anytime a disaster happens some paranoid blogger is posting a crazy theory to get hits. Not even a day after Joan Rivers’ accidental death and already the conspiracy theorists were taking to the web to out her “killers.”

My roommate called me into the living room last week and asked if I head heard the latest conspiracy about Rivers’ death.

“Latest?” I questioned. Apparently, there was more than one person out there who spent their time connecting coincidences of a stranger’s death.

“Um, she was really getting plastic surgery and not vocal surgery?” I guessed. Silly me, the most outlandish scenario I could imagine someone concocting was just a mild cover up to make things less embarrassing for the departed.

Apparently, conspiracy theorists are speculating that Rivers was murdered after she called President Obama gay and Michelle Obama a transsexual two months ago – which would easily be the biggest overreaction to a joke ever. From what I’ve seen, President Obama has a great sense of humor. I guess his wife’s man arms are where he draws the line.

Another conspiracy theory to hit the Internet includes Beyoncé, of course. What is a good conspiracy anymore without a little Illuminati paranoia? Various crazies have been pointing out on Twitter that Rivers was born in ’33 and died at 81 while Beyonce was born in ’81 and turned 33 the same day.

“Coincidence?” Asked @TerryStapes on Twitter.

Um, yes. What else could it possibly be? Rivers’ surgeon was in cahoots with an Illuminati murderer whose ultimate goal was to make some cool connections with numbers?

Who has the time?

I kind of feel that way about all conspiracy theories. Who has the time to orchestrate all of that? Apparently, underground secret societies are way more efficient than our own government.

I’m not saying that there hasn’t been a cover-up made by the American government at some point. I just have seen how organized the DMV and IRS are, and I seriously question our government’s ability to act quicker than six to eight weeks on anything.

Sweeping something under the rug is different than completely concocting mass murder to aide in some secret evil mission. Sandy Hook and 9/11 are two of the most outlandish conspiracy theories out there.

We’ve all seen the t-shirts: 9/11 was an inside job. I don’t claim that we, as Americans, know the entire truth about what happened on that day. I completely can imagine that the government frequently withholds things that they think we can’t “handle.” And let’s face it; much of this country is too simple or angry to really handle the truth.

I am not a George W. Bush fan in the slightest. I don’t think, however, he masterminded the largest mass murder in this country to get citizens on his side for an oil war.  Do I think he used a tragedy to justify a totally unrelated war? Yes. One is way less evil genius and way more human: just another disaster opportunist.

The mass school shooting at Sandy Hook has kept schizophrenics busy for nearly two years. Parents of the children killed at Sandy Hook have had to endure truthers blatantly denying their kid’s death to their faces. Unfortunately, while seeking universal truths, these people forgot about humanity.

The only conspiracy I could ever get behind is the one involving the JFK assignation. I was obsessed with the incident when I was a kid. I agree certain things just don’t add up about Oswald’s skill with a rifle and his history and political ties. I also just find it beyond bizarre that the files used to compile the decision in the Warren Comission’s report are still being held from public view, more than 50 years later.

I don’t think the government had President Kennedy assassinated to further some agenda. Saving your ass is totally different than creating havoc and heartbreak.

I get it; people want mystery. They want to believe that we live in a fantasy world filled with villains, mystery and mythical beasts. Sometimes though, you have to accept death and other disasters for what they are: a human tragedy.

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