Dig Baton Rouge

East of the River

By Katie East
@RealKatieEast

Last week, the world saw the hurt emotions of simple people turn from silly to dangerous. Terrorists aren’t just committing mass murder for their beliefs anymore. Now, they’re doing it because someone made fun of them.

Come on terrorists, what are you 12? Or were you just cyber-bullied as a kid? You might as well join the Trenchcoat Mafia because your motives are just as hormonal and emo. I’d laugh at how pitiful the Charlie Hebdo attacks were if I wasn’t already crying.

As a comedian, the idea of satirists being murdered for poking fun at something is terrifying. It’s our job to point out the social injustices in the world and say something about them. If we’re too afraid to do that, humans lose a necessary release in today’s orange-level-alert society.

The world will become a dangerous place if we lose our sense of humor. Or worse, if we have it taken from us.

Serious people can do deranged things. I guarantee you Hitler didn’t laugh enough.

It’s not just terrorists who are resorting to violence in the face of comedy. Last week, at a standup comedy show in Seattle, an audience member rushed the staged and beat the host’s head in with a metal baseball bat. The comic survived but his skull was fractured.

There was only one time that I feared for my safety due to something I said onstage. And despite how tense the situation was I remained in denial that someone could get that riled up about words I said.

After some “friendly” banter with an unruly audience member, I came offstage to find his boys “holding him back.” Seriously, this dude wanted to punch me because I made fun of his tight sweater and Jersey Shore-esque cross around his neck.

In my defense, if you yell out “I love molly!” while texting in the front row you should expect a good verbal beat down.

They’re just words people; don’t take them so seriously.

I’ve always loathed social climbers who are easily offended. You know the type: the ones who constantly quote etiquette columns, write letters to the editor and take to message boards to complain about the corruption of our youth! Who has the time?

The answer is: bored people, usually housewives, who hate their lives. To feel some sort of control, these bored housewives, or “bitches” for short, decide the standards to which every human being should live by.  Then, they are constantly annoyed with how no one in our current society lives up to their particular ethical code.

Are these standards universal truths that have stood the test of time? Not even close. It’s usually some specific, old-school way of thinking that confirms how narrow-minded those bitches are.

Every time you get offended, you are proving to the world that you’ve never traveled anywhere outside of your comfort zone, whether it be physically or mentally. When you scoff at someone ignoring protocol or tradition you are just showing your inexperience outside your bubble.

As a female comic raised in the South, I often struggle with what is offensive. Despite my brazen personality, I’m still concerned with being polite. I spent the early part of my career constantly worrying about who I would offend or what my parent’s friends would think of my dick jokes.

The status quo isn’t just expected in Louisiana, it’s celebrated. A woman speaking her mind is often still received with disgust and shock whether it be onstage or at a cocktail party.

Any time I hear a Southern woman say “The nerve of” so and so or “How dare she!” it makes me see just how simple and one-dimensional Southern women really can be. These women are a stereotype of an antiquated tradition that should never be kept.

To those women I say: Quit being petty, bitch. It’s 2015. Go do something useful with your time.

If you have enough faith in your own actions and justifications then you wouldn’t be so concerned with other people’s.

Recently, I came across a helpful passage about being offended. It came via a self-help book by Wayne Dyer.

Dyer wrote: “When you feel offended, you’re practicing judgement. You judge someone else to be stupid, insensitive, rude, arrogant, inconsiderate, or foolish, and then you find yourself upset and offended by their conduct. When you judge another person you do not define them. You define yourself as someone who needs to judge others.”

If a religious, self-help guru can put preconceived notions aside, then so can you.

Dyer also said: “Stop expecting those who are different to be what you think they should be. It’s never going to happen.”

In other words, every time you get offended the terrorists win. So lighten up bitches, for everyone’s sake.

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