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East Of The River: No Booze: Baby on board (maybe)

Last week, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned women of child-bearing age to avoid alcohol unless they are on birth control. So basically, the government wants all women, ages 15-44, to forgo alcohol just in case they get pregnant and are at risk of passing on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. I, personally, don’t condone living your life in constant fear/anticipation that a baby might be swelling up inside you. But, if you do follow the CDC’s logic then there are several things you can do to fill your time instead of drinking. Here are just a few suggestions for college-aged women:

 

Use social media responsibly

Let’s be honest, Facebooking under the influence can often be dangerous: posting incoherent comments, writing dramatic yet vague status updates and liking people’s pictures whom you are clearly Facebook stalking. And let’s face it, your selfies always end up with a duck face when you’re buzzed. So now that you’re sober, it’s time to really up your Instagram and FB game. Now, never again will you ever wonder if you “poked” anyone.

 

Take up knitting

Knitting was all the rage with celebrities only a few short years ago. Why not do something slightly productive while completely useless? It’s kind of like a metaphor for your new, non-drinking life. Pick up them sticks and make a cap for a newborn! You know, just in case one comes along in your booze-free life.

 

Annoy others with your dieting techniques

Let’s face it. You gain your Freshman 15 mostly due to alcohol. If you’re cutting that out to keep your bod baby-ready, then why not go for broke and get super svelte? Pick up some really annoying dieting tendencies that you could never stick to if you were drinking. And don’t forget to talk nonstop to all your friends about it. Just be careful, if you get super-hot, you know what that means: more sex and a possible baby. Just because you’re sober doesn’t mean condoms are going to become cool again. Don’t forget to keep them on even though your womb is no longer a danger zone. For those ladies who think they’re safe once they gain a few years and some wisdom, think again. The CDC found the highest risk for alcohol-exposed pregnancy was in women between the ages of 25 and 29, who were married or cohabitating, and had already given birth to one child previously. So, for you married women ages 25-29 with children, here’s what you can do instead of indulging in alcohol:

 

Eat your feelings

Let’s be honest. You’re metabolism isn’t getting any better. When you were 20, starting a new diet and workout regimen was easy. With kids though you might as well spend your time doing what you love: eating. Sure, it’s not the healthiest option, but it can’t be more harmful than guzzling actual liquid poison. Remember, chocolate helps feelings go bye-bye. Plus, it’s better than using traditional drugs prescribed by your doctor, like Xanax.

 

Don’t put your children up for adoption

Remember, even though you can’t have a glass or two to relax after a hard day of being crapped on and yelled at, you can’t just get rid of your kids. Sure, you may have been passively trying to do this all along, but now it’s going to be more of an active goal. You’re going to have to practice a lot of self-control. When you’re sober you do a lot of self-reflecting. Try to remember why you had these things/kids in the first place and you would ever want to do it again. I’m not sure the answer but you better figure it out cause your body is really just a baby placeholder waiting to do its job.

 

Sit in a corner and cry

When all else fails, a good cry can really help get out all those bad feelings. It can also make you sit and wallow and focus on the negative but let’s pretend you won’t fall into the trap, ok? Crying can help release endorphins which you’re going to need if you’re laying off the artificial chemicals. If your kid is a little older, you might as well find a friend’s newborn, so you can smell that soft baby head and get even more good brain feely chemicals going. Plus, it might help you keep your eye on the prize of being a full-time incubator. So there you have it, there’s still plenty of ways to bide your time without alcohol or fun. And who needs ‘em anyway? You’re a woman for goodness sakes! If you so choose, soon you’ll be fulfilling your biological urges and spitting out a baby or three. Until then, sit, wait and make sure you don’t create a hostile environment in your womb.

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