Celebrities, they’re just like you. If you’re a douche like Lindsay Lohan. Or a douchebag like Justin Bieber. Or a douche nozzle like Justin Bieber. Which is worth saying twice. Enough jibber-jabber.
Rest in Peace!
Tragic news, dear readers. We lost a good one this week. Oscar winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman passed away on sunday, resulting from a heroin overdose.
As this is such a serious matter, we can all agree that it’s not a time for jokes. But what it is time for is seeing who won the celebrity death pool! Let’s see: Who called Philip Seymour Hoff- man? Apparently, it was someone who goes by the user name “MK_Olson_86.” hold up. Is that Mary-Kate? G*ddamn, looks like she got another one. She is so good at calling these heroin over- doses. Weird.
In case you were wondering who ashley Olsen called in the death pool, the answer is Mary-Kate. Which I can’t fault her for. I would’ve put cash on that, too.
Do you know my new favorite thing to hate? It’s when people misuse the phrase “Plot twist.” For example, a genuine use of the term would be, “Kevin spacey was Kaiser soze. Plot twist.” Instead, what I typically hear is, “I had macaroni for lunch. Plot twist.” Unless, of course, the maca- roni was Kaiser soze. In which case, consider my mind blown. Anywho, star reports that Oprah gave Lindsay Lohan a reality show. And, plot twist, lindsay f-cking ruined it.
“Oprah hoped that by giving Lindsay Lohan an OWN show, Lohan would breathe life into her tattered reputation. to protect her $2 million in- vestment, insiders say Oprah shelled out $16,000 a month on a posh soho apartment for lohan, but she had no idea lindsay is treating the pad like a drug den.
“Lindsay was 100 percent doing lines of co-caine at the apartment Oprah got her. She was doing it out in the open, in front of three friends,’ an eyewitness [says]…
“During that incident, lindsay bragged that Oprah is lucky to have her. [according to the eye- witness] lindsay bragged that Oprah is lucky to have her: she told me, ‘I own Oprah’s Next Chap- ter. What is she without me? Oprah is so 2009.’”
Lindsay thinks she’s better than Oprah? Now there’s your plot twist.
Anyway, does this remind anyone else of the fable of the mouse and the scorpion? Story goes, a mouse came to a river. In the river, a scorpion was swimming. And the scorpion said to the mouse, “You want a ride across? I can give you one.” And the mouse was, like, “OK, but you better not sting me. I swear to God.” And then the scorpion took the mouse across the river and then stung him. Or it ripped a line of blow off a toilet seat. I can’t remember. Either way, the point is Lohan is a moron. #Plottwist #GoodJobMe
Scooter, Don’t Hurt ‘Em!
Justin Bieber may be in the midst of a sh-tton of legal troubles, but he still has his trusty manager by his side. this week, Bieber’s handler scooter Braun sat down with GQ and defended the pint-sized pop sensation, saying that he often has to prevent Biebs from unleashing a world of physical hurt on his haters. and cue the laughter in 3…2…1…
“No one really understands what he’s living through, only him. I think to help him get through that, I have to hold him to a higher standard. I can’t baby him. I can’t tell him, ‘you know what you deserve? To say f-ck everybody; this is unfair.’ I can say there is only one way around this. either we quit and let you try and find a normal life, or you realize that this is what it is and we’ve got to keep fighting. And you’re going to hate me some days because I’m going to say you can’t throw a punch.”
You know what, I’ll tell Bieber what days he can’t throw a punch. and those days are Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.