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Leno drives off, Aikman gets off, K-stew

Celebrities: They’re just like you. If you’re a mangler of the English language like Kristen Stewart. Or out of a job like Jay Leno. Or banging Troy Aikman like Sandra Bullock. Is your interest aroused? Then let’s get down to the dirty details.

Go, Leno! No, Seriously. Go!

This week, Jay Leno retired from “The Tonight Show.” “Holy crap, I’m going to miss him,” said no one under 70.

You Get ‘Em, Grrrrrrl!

Although Jared Leto has earned a Golden Globe and a Screen Actors Guild Award for his performance in “Dallas Buyers Club,” not everyone is convinced of his merit. The Hollywood Reporter reports that during a Q&A after a screening at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival, an audience member called out the 30 Seconds to Mars singer for his sub-par portrayal.

“Jared Leto came under fire from a heckler Tuesday who said the ‘Dallas Buyers Club’ actor didn’t deserve to be honored for his work in the film. ‘Trans-misogyny does not deserve an award,’ said the unidentified woman…

“’What do you mean by that?’ Leto asked. To which the heckler said, ‘You don’t deserve an award for portraying a trans woman because you’re a man.’

“’Because I’m a man, I don’t deserve to play that part?’ Leto asked, rhetorically. ‘So you wouldn’t hold a role against someone who happened to be gay or lesbian—they can’t play a straight part?’

“The woman continued the back-and-forth, arguing that straight people always play transgendered characters and receive awards for it.

“Leto repeated his argument that by the heckler’s logic, only straight actors could play straight roles. ‘Then you’ve made sure people that are gay people that aren’t straight people like the Rayons of the world would never have the opportunity to turn their tables and explore parts of that art,’ Leto said to big applause from the audience.”

Ironically, this is not the first time a Leto performance has been labeled trans-misogynistic. Here’s an excerpt of an interview I did with Leto in 1998.

Me: Jared Leto, congratulations on your new film, “Urban Legend.”

Leto: Thank you. This is such a milestone for me. After all the blood, sweat, and tears that went into this film, to finally see it on the big screen is amazing.

Me: I just watched the movie, and if I could describe it in one word, I’d pick ‘trans-misogynistic.’

Jared Leto: …

Me: I’m sorry. I meant “s—ty.” It’s totally s—ty.

Quarterback Sneak!

This week, British tabloid Closer reported that Sandra Bullock had reconnected with old flame Troy Aikman. Because who can hit a blind side better than a cowboy? Amirite? Amirite?

“Even though, according to most reports, the relationship fizzled out in 1995 due to geographical distance between them, apparently love is in the air once again for the couple … After finding themselves both single again, Bullock and Aikman got back in touch via a mutual friend just before Christmas.

“An inside source (says), ‘Sandra and Troy have always got on well, but she doesn’t want to publicly date him until she’s one hundred percent ready for a relationship. She’s worried about getting her heart broken, so a no-strings fling is fine, but she’s not committing to anything yet.’”

So, Sandra Bullock and Troy Aikman are hooking up? You know what this means: Celebrity Fix Pun-Off, in which I make as many sports-slash-sex-related puns in 30 seconds as possible. Ready? Here we go.

-This is the first time Troy Aikman got penetration in the backfield.

-Finally, Troy Aikman got it off just in time.

-Sandra Bullock should’ve gone for Emmitt Smith. ‘Cause he knows how to find a hole.

-This hook-up is ironic because usually it’s Troy Aikman who gets pounded up the middle.

-How is a pulling guard similar to a relationship with Sandra Bullock? Because it’s a trap!

-What do Sandra Bullock and the Washington Redskins have in common? They can both be rammed for a quick score.

-Fourteen years after he retired, Troy Aikman finally learned how to connect with a tight end.

 

K-StEWWW!

If there’s one thing Kristen Stewart knows, it’s love. Actually, if there’s one thing Kristen Stewart knows, it’s terrible acting. Or greasy bangs. Or bitch-face as resting face. Whatever. Anywho, K-Stew recently dished about romance to “Marie Claire.” Because who better to talk about relationships than a woman who destroyed more homes than Hurricane Katrina?

“You don’t know who you will fall in love with. You just don’t. You don’t control it. Some people have certain things like, ‘That’s what I’m going for,’ and I have a subjective version of that.”

So, you have a subjective version of a subjective position? More like you have a subjective version of the English language.

Also, you may not be able to choose who you love, but you know what you can choose? You can choose to not f— married dudes. ‘Cause that’s totally trans-misogynistic. I mean, s—y. Why do I keep mixing those words up?

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