Dig Baton Rouge

Morons & Cheaters

By Matt Starlight

As I’m sure you or an incredibly frantic friend of yours already knows, the cheating website Ashley Madison was recently hacked and if the number of divorces skyrockets in the coming weeks, we can’t exactly say we’d be surprised.

For those of you who do somehow manage to escape nonsensical news stories like this (if so, teach me) Ashley Madison is a website that married people sign up to if they’re looking to have an affair. Hackers have exposed the users of the site, including reality stars, politicians, and surprisingly not Jared from Subway (yet, anyway).

While this may sound like poor Ashley Madison was going about their daily business of handling the affairs of millions of Americans, they’re not as innocent as they sound. Reportedly, Ashley Madison was blackmailing their own customers, demanding money or letting their spouses know of their Don Draper-esque activities. Thanks to the hacking group The Impact Team, Ashley Madison is on the other side of blackmail, with their name and reputation as secure completely shot.

Regardless of how strongly you feel about cheating and privacy, the real problem here is the moronic way in which these Savants have approached their hopeful scandals. Finding someone to cheat on your spouse with is a sordid practice that should involve skeezy bars, back alleys, and second cell phones. You should be meeting them at crappy hotels, never using your real names, have a standing excuse for the wife or husband that makes sense. Truth be told, if you want to get away with having an affair, it’s a full time job. The quickest and easiest way to completely screw that job up, per say, is to plaster your actual name, address, email, and credit card information on a website and take their word for it when they say it’s secure. I wouldn’t trust a terminally ill shrink with this information and if you have any shred of hope of getting away with what you’re doing, you wouldn’t either.

Cheating is wrong. Anyone with half a brain stem can tell you that, but I think what’s more troubling than the cheating, which we all know happens in marriages, is the sheer lack of care that these shlubs put into concealing their affairs. It says something about us as a society that these 2 legged kumquats placed so much faith in a website whose mission statement is the antithesis of one of the freakin’ Ten Commandments to keep these valuable secrets. They could have used a VPN to conceal their IP address, a pre-paid Visa so the card couldn’t be traced back them, a fake name, anything to keep this from happening to them, but the fact is I now know beyond doubt that Josh Duggar is a sleazy moron, even though I was about 95 percent sure of that before this ordeal anyway.

Back before the days of smartphones and social media, I would imagine concealing an affair was a bit easier. You didn’t have to worry about everyone you know walking around with a 16 megapixel camera, leaving a trail of information online that anyone who really wanted to could trace to your front door, and when paying in cash for hookers instead of an iPhone with a Square attachment was the norm. Last week, I wrote in defense of connectivity, but in this particular case, maybe leave the cell phone at home because as far as keeping secrets go, it’s about as trustworthy as The Silly Rabbit on a Trix-free diet.

I can’t say I’m surprised that the users of this site aren’t the brightest bulbs in the chandelier; it makes perfect sense that the mouth breathers who need this service to elicit an affair aren’t cerebrally capable of figuring they should cover their tracks. In that regard, maybe these leaks are for the best. The dunce caps are exposed, they get divorced, and are no longer given the chance to spread their Neanderthal DNA and populate mankind with more human platypuses like themselves. In the future, we can only hope that these Loraxes wear a condom in their extramarital pursuit of a perpetually short bus human race, but pray that said condoms are filled with fire ants in addition to genitals.

I’ll say it again: cheating is wrong. That’s without question, but what I find to be even more concerning than the infidelity is the moronic level of inaptitude that the participants have demonstrated. If this is the pinnacle of sleuth that a good portion of our slimy population is capable of, we’ve got way bigger fish to fry than the privacy of our nation’s scum.

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