Dig Baton Rouge

Reality Bytes: 2.12.14

Just when you thought televised sports couldn’t get less interesting (thanks, Super Bowl Whatever), along came the Whatever-eth Winter Olympic Games. ‘Games’ is a good word for a collection of events that involves brushing imaginary ice teeth and shooting BB guns in the snow. I played this game growing up that involved pulling one’s pants down out of the line of sight of the nearest school administrator.

Nobody ever handed me a medal. I was good at that that shit, too. Fortunately, we’re just two precious episodes away from knowing (hopefully) which (if any) of the couples on 90 Day Fiancée are actually going to get married. That, in confluence with the worldwide hockey blackout caused by the aforementioned human quarantine going down in that one Russki town named after Tom Cruise’s daughter, should be enough to get a brother by. Unless your brother is Bob Costas’s left eyeball.

Ghost Adventures – Travel

Let me just say this, because I don’t think I’ve ever gotten the chance to: if you believe in ghosts, or if you entertain the notion that it’s okay for someone with whom you’re even remotely associated to believe in ghosts, then you have a moral obligation to pick up the television that sits in your home and drop it onto your own head from a distance that exceeds the length of your own arms. My aforementioned inexhaustible research told me that this is not a new program. Then I dug even deeper and discovered that there’ve been over a hundred episodes of this licentious liquid lizard shit. Drink it down, douchballs.

Outrageous Acts of Science – Science

Science. Just on the off chance that the printing of the word ‘science’ three times in sequence puts me in some special cosmic category. Anyway, this certainly has the look of a show that takes the best parts of Mythbusters and Tosh.0 and shoves them both into an old lady’s stocking and whips them around and around at speeds incalculable by man and then scrapes the feathery threads of pulp from the surrounding walls into a single container and shoves it all into your television. Which, if you weren’t sure, is a good thing. The only difference I can see from my research (which is way beyond your comprehension) is that it’s too perverse for Discovery and too sedate for Comedy Central. If it’s good enough for Goldilocks, it’s good enough for you. Saturday at 10 p.m.

Tattoo Titans – CMT

First off, let it be written that CMT is doing really well with its programming right now. Not one thing they’re pushing at the moment – not a single one – isn’t a derivative of another show devised by another network. Of course, CMT is a subsidiary (fancy word for dingleberry [technical term for a particle of fecal matter attached to the anal hair of an animal]) of MTV, so it’s not altogether unexpected. Tattoo Titans is a tattoo competition show. I know for a fact that I very recently did a write-up on such a show, and I know just as well that I don’t care enough to look back and thoroughly compare the two. The existing promo has a guy tattooing a giant fiddle on the thigh of a guy with exceptionally elastic skin. Rule 34 dictates that there’s money to be made there. Just hopefully not by CMTV. Thursday at 11 p.m. ET.

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