After recreational marijuana became a legal thing in both Colorado and Washington, flights got a little cheaper in both states. Both states saw a spike in tourism, and the legal recreational industry boomed the economies of both states.
Many have said legalizing the drug in Louisiana could put a dent in the state’s massive deficit. But if you know anything about Louisiana, the first sentence made you laugh a little.
Louisiana has for years had one of the toughest laws for simple possession, and only recently eased up on penalties. The law, House Bill 149, is still one of the county’s toughest.
So you’re shit outta luck, potheads. Time to book a flight to Colorado!
Washington may be a little out of reach for your average burnout, but Colorado is closer than you realize and is way less dreary. Here’s a little guide to aimlessly stumble into some fun stuff when you’re more than a mile high:
For one, go see a Rockies game. Baseball is the perfect sport to not pay attention to. Plus, you won’t care about how expensive the concessions are! Just think of all the laughs a tiny baseball helmet full of ice cream will provide. I’d tell you to ignore the price, but you won’t remember to check it anyway.
Second, go to a national park. The parks in Colorado are full of majestic vistas and fantastic examples of wildlife. Going stoned might make you forget about your phone so you can actually see all of it! Plus you’ll be able to make that stupid “higher than a mile” joke I just made.
Denver is a clean and fun city to walk around with plenty of parks to play Hacky Sack in, but there are a few smaller towns nearby worth visiting.
Golden is home to the Coors brewery, so you can mix your mind altering substances with a fun and informative tour. The town is also well-known for raising Bison, so you can have a slice of endangered mammal fresher than anywhere else – and you’ll almost be guaranteed to love it.
Boulder is a gorgeous college town that has always been pot-friendly, so you should find someone to match – I mean like-minded individuals with whom you can have informed intellectual discussions. And you’ll never run out of rolling papers!
Colorado Springs is another great town, home to the landmark 10th Air Force base and the Air Force Academy. I do not suggest going there while high, however. That mile high joke will not land well (nor will that follow up the joke I just made).
However, on the off chance that Louisiana not only passes a medical bill but legalizes recreational use, I’ve worked on some tips for local tourists.
First, don’t bother with the Mississippi River. It’s brown and full of every other state’s crap. Maybe you’ll have an epiphany about the environment or how everything and everyone will be washed away; you’ll probably just drop your sticky in the river or be paranoid about falling in.
There’s a lot of great food everywhere in Louisiana. However, a lot of it is also pretty hard to eat. If you’re good at peeling crawfish, you can probably start a very successful business helping stoned & starving Yankees.
Don’t go on a nature tour. I know that’s a big plus in the colder states, but swamp ass and mosquitoes will kill your vibe instantly.
The best thing you could do in Louisiana is probably go see a show stoned. I know that isn’t particularly unique or new advice when it comes to cannabis, but it’s true. Some of this stuff has to actually be useful.
At the end of the day, whether you’ve got some Green Crack, Blue Dream or Girl Scout Cookies (I did not make any of those names up) all you need to remember is: be safe, everyone only gets two puffs and save the roach.
Editor’s note: This column is a work of satire.
Cartoon by Elizabeth Allison