Dig Baton Rouge

Spring Break alternatives: You don’t need sand and sun to have fun! It helps, though.

Spring Break! Woo, yeah! SPRING BREAK!

It’s the time of year that the rest of the country’s students get most excited for. For us, it’s like second Mardi Gras, but not as fun.

This is mostly because the traditional Spring Break locations are out of reach for most of us. The prime location for Mardi Gras is a short drive away, and there’s even something passable in town, unambitious and racist as it may be.

For a proper Spring Break experience however, you need to go to Mexico, which is what most Trump supporters call everything below the Rio Grande.

If you are one of many people without deep-pocketed parents or just have an aversion to sand, overpriced drinks and just the sun in general, I have a few alternatives.

The important part is the travel. You’ve got a leg up over the international spring breakers there – road trips are way more fun than international flights. Or flights period — the TSA sucks.

If you do like sand in various orifices but can’t make it to international beaches though, there are a few options close to home.

First is Florida. Normally I would only suggest going there for Disney World and surprisingly competent professional hockey, but they have beaches. Lots of meth too, if you’re into that.

There’s also the rest of the Gulf Coast, but most of those places are either in Alabama or Mississippi. Do you really want to go to either of those places? Really think about it before you answer.

This is already written, I can wait. Go ahead, pause right… NOW! Ok, thought about it? Good, let’s move on.

As far as the non-beach options go, you have several options. One is the option you should always pick, which is New Orleans. It’s one of the country’s best cities, even with all the murder.

Texas is nearby, and it’s better than you think. Austin is a fantastic music city, and Houston is having something of a culinary renaissance right now.

There isn’t much to Dallas, but they are hosting WrestleMania this year… Not during Spring Break but still! You can go to San Antonio, but you may as well go to North Louisiana. About the same amount of things to do and culture.

Ok, maybe you can’t travel at all, or are going back to whatever flyover state you’re from (not that Louisiana is any better; y’all probably actually have a government with money). How do you get a Spring Break experience if you’re unable to travel?

For one, drink. A lot. Alcohol can make most situations better, and if nothing else should change your perception about your situation.

If there’s a river nearby where you live, go there and drink. It’s literally a beach, even if it has less volleyball and more mossy shopping carts.

Just imagine that crumbling bridge is a cove to explore – just don’t actually explore it, you’ll find nothing but used needles and bad high school graffiti. Remember, perception is reality (but the reality is, don’t go under the bridge).

Barring a river, fill your tub up with warm water and half a container of Morton’s Salt. Same as the ocean, with less seaweed and shells to cut your foot on.

Then just grab a kiddie pool from Wal-Mart, a bag of sand from Home Depot and a sun lamp for lizards from PetSmart. Set it all up next to the tub and BAM – private beach!

Or, do what I did during college – just play video games and browse the Internet while you ignore that homework you “need to get ahead on.” Very relaxing.

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