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The couch potato workout: Here’s how to be lazy-healthy

Health. It’s overrated. Sure, you feel better and you’ll live longer, but at what cost? The stupid shoes, fitness apps and trackers, sports bras and athletic boxer briefs (thank me later) – not to mention all the damn spandex clothing and gym memberships.

You could spend that money on video games or Fuzzy’s! What’s better – leg day or tacos? You know the answer — don’t lie to me or yourself.

However, it’s still a good idea to try and make some kind of effort at your physical well-being. You really shouldn’t care about the outward appearance – most of those feelings come from corporations trying to sell you an unattainable lifestyle.

For example, eating Greek yogurt won’t make you Cam Newton; I know this because I have a fridge full of  rapidly spoiling cups of Oikos. At the very least you shouldn’t do it for anyone else but you.

I do, however, have a few tips for you. For one, if you’re binging whatever show everyone won’t shut up about on Tumblr, I would suggest doing some kind of exercise based on the show in between each episode.

If you’re watching Jessica Jones, make yourself a martini and really shake that sucker! Treat yourself by chugging the entire thing before the timer starts the next episode. When bingeing The Big Bang Theory, try boxing: just punch yourself in the head over and over; it burns a “bazinging” amount of calories. Fans of Pretty Little Liars probably have enough of a workout screaming at the TV the entire time.

It’s also a good idea to keep yourself healthy throughout the day. Make sure to stand up every hour or so at work, or try a standing desk. That way, your feet hurt instead of your ass.

When stuck in the worst traffic of a mid-size city in the United States, get out of your car and do some jumping jacks. Everyone will honk their horns to encourage you!

Absent-minded snacking can be the worst things since most of these snacks are nutritionally incomplete and don’t really fill you up. The answer? Pavlovian conditioning!

Have a friend make a big batch of your favorite chip and dip, then every time you try to snack, have them smack you across your face! The more mechanically inclined might be able to adapt a shock collar for the same purpose.

You can also try Tostitos Crunches: put a bowl of Velveeta and Rotel queso on your knees, then put a Tostitos brand chip in your mouth; move the chip to the queso, dip it, then reward your crunch with a delicious Tostitos chip in perfect queso! I’ve personally lost 20 pounds with just this technique (sorry, gained. But I’m just cultivating mass right now).

If all else fails, buy a FitBit and some workout clothes. You may not be in shape but you’ll look like you’re getting in shape, and that’s all that really matters right?


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