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The Feelings Guy – Wedding Edition: Wanna get hitched? Don’t follow this advice.

Wedding season is coming up. Now, people of a certain age either have no idea of this, or choose to ignore it. Or they’re acutely aware, planning weddings in between studying for finals.

Whatever the case though, there is a strong notion in the United States that it’s normal to get married, and in fact expected. You aren’t married yet? What’s wrong with you?

Probably nothing, or just something you never realized that isn’t actually anything wrong, just a fundamental part of your personality that you need to change. Y’know, small stuff.

I am here to help you with that change, sweet reader. That’s right, The Feelings Guy is here to point out your flaws and guide you through the choppy waters of human coupling.

So get comfy, take the top of that cake out of your freezer, and sign that prenup. The Feelings Guy is here.

Dear Feelings Guy,

I’ve been having some problems with my relationship recently. I’ve been in a relationship for over 6 years, but no question has been popped. We’re in love, I know we are, but I figured at this point we’d have taken it further than Facebook Official. Am I crazy or should I move on?

Signed,

If He Likes It, You Know the Rest

Dear Put a Ring on It,

Well this is a tough one. See, some people are not overly fond of the concept of matrimony. Or, they’re feet-dragging folks who don’t want to commit to anything. First, I would talk to your partner–while holding a water gun filled with lemon juice. It adds an important seriousness that a conversation like this needs. Second, just ask the moron. Seriously, if you want to get married, then try to get married. Screw gender roles, if they don’t apply. I wish you the best of luck.

Mr. Feelings,

My wife and I have been planning a wedding for about a year now. We want to get married in Tiger Stadium, by Les Miles. But at the 11th hour, it seems that this isn’t possible. Do you have a solution?

Yeauxrs,

On Hold with Baton Rouge

BR, 

I think you have two solutions. One, you recreate Tiger Stadium as the altar where you get married and invite Les. It would be cheaper than renting out the entire stadium, and Les might bring a gift. He will, if he’s a good guest. The other option is to try and trick the Mad Hatter into becoming a registered justice of the peace, then tricking him into letting y’all into the stadium to marry you two nuts. No idea how to pull that one off. Now I would suggest kidnapping him and forcing the whole thing to go down, but you’d spend your honeymoon in prison, with someone decidedly not your new spouse. It’d be a hell of a story though.

Yo Feelings,

So I went to Vegas, right?

Ok so, I had to cut most of this letter out for the cause of decency and good taste. Suffice to say, this gentleman – who goes by “And Yes We Did Consummate, Multiple Times” – went to Las Vegas and visited the famous Little White Wedding Chapel. Now, while the chapel that married Triple H to a knocked out Stephanie McMahon may seem like a great place to tie the knot–and I’ve heard the Elvis impersonators are very professional–the circumstances can rarely be described as “well thought out.” The only advice I can give you is to lawyer up.

Editor’s note: This column is a work of satire. 

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