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The truth about nature: Is it overrated?

Nature is a magnificent, beautiful thing. It’s also scary as shit. You’ve got bears, bugs and bad smelling stuff – the three B’s.

Outside is both overrated and underrated. While the sun is cool, it can also give you melanoma, or worse, dry skin.

Flowers are cool but sneaky, in that they make you sneeze and can contain bees. Bees make honey but can sting you. Nature is so conflicting! I am here to make your decision to go outside much easier, with the only thing that makes any sense anymore—lists.

Go Outside
1. Trees – Trees are really cool. Some give you shade. Some give you fruit! You can see your house from some! Trees are awesome.

2. Mowed Lawns – The smell of freshly cut grass is major. While most living organisms need their corpses to be prepared the right way to smell good, grass murder is an olfactory treat right away. You hear a lawnmower, grab a jar and run outside to bottle some of that sweet smell up!

3. Pools – Pools are cool because you get to look at attractive people in swimsuits. Also they’re good for when it’s hot out and drinking ridiculous cocktails beside / while floating in them.

4. Dogs – If you take a dog outside they will lose their shit. Look at how happy they are! They will just run full speed and dive into the ground! I do not suggest doing that but seriously, go play with a dog outside. So much fun.

5. Tailgating – It’s out of season? Shut up you can tailgate anything! Your little cousin’s dance recital, a wedding, the election; as long as there’s a parking lot, you can drink and burn tube steak in it to celebrate it! Just fight your instinct to yell “Tiger Bait” at people wearing crimson — it isn’t football season yet.

Stay Indoors
1. TV – I know a lot of people “don’t have TVs” anymore but watching videos on a computer amounts to the same thing. Binge a season of a show you’ve already binged, or watch Fixer Upper; that show is the best.

2. Video Games – Adjacent to television, since you need some sort of screen. Maybe you’re tackling post-apocalyptic New York or fawning over virtual cats. Either way, it’s a lot better than real life!

3. Blankets – Oh sweet deity blankets are nice. They’re all cozy and junk. Plus, did you know some genius put electric coils in some? That’s next level comfort technology.

4. Cats – Cats are jerks, but they’re cute jerks so it’s OK. Plus, when they eventually fall asleep on you it feels extra special. They’re self-cleaning too! Nice feature.

5. Rain – Rain sucks but if you hear it against your window it can be very soothing. Or you can’t stand it — the rain, I mean. Against your window. You, you can’t stand the rain. Anyway rain’s no fun but you can avoid it if you stay inside.

So as can be seen, there are some pros and cons to being exposed to the elements. Yes, the sun is good for your mood and you’ll probably get some exercise. You could also get bit by bugs or step in mud and ruin your white vans. Damn.

The most important thing to remember is that going outside is totally necessary.

If nothing else, it’s important to appreciate your bed and your couch and all of that cool stuff you’ve got.


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