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When Tigers Fly: 10 absurd things that would happen before LSU football is canceled in 2016

Louisiana Gov. John Bel Edwards sent the state in an uproar last week with his proclamation that the 2016 LSU football season could be a casualty of cuts to higher education funding.

“…Many students will not be able to graduate, and student-athletes across the state at those schools will ineligible to play next semester,” Edwards said. “That means you can say farewell to college football next fall.”

Wait. A. Minute!

Edwards has been in office barely a month, and he’s already dropping bombs on the people of Louisiana?

You’re telling me I might have to endure the 2016 college football season without the Mad Hatter, Buga Nation, inconsistent quarterback play and DBU?

Nice try JBE, but there’s no way the 2016 LSU football season will be canceled, not this season, with superstar Leonard Fournette poised for a Heisman campaign and LSU coach Les Miles rejuvenated after flirting with disaster near the end of the 2015 season.

LSU football is primed for conference and national title runs in 2016, and not even higher education budgetary issues can derail that.

Here are 15 absurd things that would happen before LSU even dreamt of giving up football for the 2016 season:

Ben Simmons returns for his sophomore season.

The LSU basketball freshman superstar is a lock to be a top three pick in this summer’s NBA Draft, and probably will end up No. 1. Yet, plenty of LSU fans correlate the Tigers’ underwhelming record to Simmons’ talent and ability, imploring the young Australian to stay in Baton Rouge for his sophomore season. Fat chance. Simmons will be cashing checks from an NBA franchise next fall.

Bobby Jindal wins the Republican Presidential candidate nomination.

Remember when the former Louisiana governor was the rising star of the Republican Party? His presidential aspirations have been dashed in 2016 and he’s left his state behind with a mountain of debt. Great job, Bobby!

The Spanish Town Parade becomes wholesome.

The salacious parade ruffled the feathers of many this year with some satirical takes on Eric Garner, Freddie Gray and the #BlackLivesMatter movement. All is fair in love and satire, right?

The city of St. George will incorporate.

Remember the good ole days when all Baton Rouge had to worry about was a section of the city seceding? Now LSU football! When will the attacks end? How I long for those golden days of yesteryear.

LSU finally beats Alabama.

The Crimson Tide, winners of five straight in the series, have owned the Tigers since January 2012. From shut outs to nail biters, Les Miles and the Tigers continue to be foiled by Nick Saban and the Tide. But this year an upperclassman quarterback, a veteran defense and Leonard Fournette lead LSU. Watch out Tricky Nicky…

The Louisiana High School Athletic Association unifies the playoffs again.

The “everybody gets a trophy” brigade received a huge boost earlier this year at the LHSAA Convention when basketball, baseball and softball joined football in the select/non-select playoff format. At least the sports fans of Louisiana will have more prep championships to enjoy in the absence of LSU football.

Leonard Fournette transfers to Alabama.

Seeking that elusive national championship, LSU star running back Leonard Fournette spurns his home state school in favor of Heisman glory and a national title run in Tuscaloosa. If LSU football disbands in 2016, the race to woo Fournette for his junior season would be thrilling to watch.

Mike VI attends LSU home football games again.

For years, LSU’s live Bengal tiger mascot would enter a mobile cage on game days and ride through Tiger Stadium before the start of home games. Mike’s cage would be parked by the opponent’s locker room at the southeast corner of Death Valley. There’s nothing more intimidating for an opponent than the unsuspecting roar of a Bengal tiger as he’s taking the field to warm-up. LSU’s current live mascot, Mike VI, is a diva and usually chooses to remain in his luxurious habitat on game days. You’re better than that Mike VI. Get it together.

Lil Finals Boyz drops a new single.

In May of 2010, Myles Laroux and Logan Baudean took the LSU campus by storm with “LSU Lil Finals Week BOUNCE,” a catchy rap anthem dedicated to the week filled with stress, procrastination and all-nighters. From “Finals Week” to LSU’s own “Harlem Shake,” Laroux and Baudean entertained countless people with their hilarious videos. The Lil Finals Boyz have been silent for too long. It’s time for comeback, maybe this time politically themed?

John Bel Edwards gets recalled.

If there’s one facet of Louisiana life a politician should never mess with, it’s LSU football. The Pelican State citizens may be angered when their representatives tinker with taxes, higher education and healthcare, but nothing invokes the wrath of Louisianians more than the threat of losing out on the state’s most sacred pastime: LSU football. You’ve been warned JBE.

 

 

Follow Andrew Alexander on Twitter @TheOtherAA.

 

 

 

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