By Cody Worsham
Winner: Joe Biden turns Vladimir Putin into a Bond villain
Joe Biden may or may not be your cup of political tea, but for the sake of this blurb, he’s a f*cking rock star. In an interview with the New Yorker, Biden recalled a 2011 visit to the Kremlin when he straight up called out Russian Prime Minister and shirtless bear-rider Vladimir Putin. “As I turned, I was this close to him,” Biden said, holding his hand inches from his nose. “I said, ‘Mr. Prime Minister, I’m looking into your eyes, and I don’t think you have a soul.’…And he looked back at me, and he smiled, and he said, ‘We understand one another.’” Either Biden has balls of steel, or he’s a ghostwriter for Tom Clancy.
Winner: Dutch cyclist scheduled for both doomed Malaysian flights pedals on
Maarten de Jonge is 29, and he’s unbelievably lucky to still have the chance to see 30. de Jonge was scheduled to take MH17 – the plane shot down over Ukraine last week – but changed flights last minute for a cheaper fare. If that weren’t enough, de Jonge also had a ticket for MH370 – the still-missing airliner thought to be at the bottom of the ocean – but opted for a different departure shortly before take off in favor of an alternate layover. If you’re reading this, de Jonge, you may want to stick to the bike as your primary mode of transportation. Don’t push your luck.
Loser: Former classmate of Boston Bomber found guilty of obstruction
Be careful the company you keep. That’s a lesson former University of Massachusetts Dartmouth student Azamat Tazhayakov learned the hard way Monday, after a federal court found him guilty of obstruction of justice and conspiring to obstruct justice for his part in an attempted cover-up of Dzokhar Tsarnaev’s part in 2013’s Boston Marathon bombing. Tazhayakov and a friend attempted to throw away Tsarnaev’s fireworks-filled backpack and a laptop hours after the FBI released his photo as a suspect in the bombings. Tazhayakov could face 25 years in prison for his part.